Honestly, it was never in my mind that I would ever become an inhabitant of Vrindavan. I, too, never thought I would become Ladli Ju’s worshipper. I did not even know what this worship was. The body was born in the province of Mahadev. If there was any mention of Krishna’s devotion in our region, it was only in Janmashtami (a festival to celebrate Lord Krishna’s birth). The house would be decorated on that day, especially for the welcome of Nand’s son (Krishna). That’s all everyone knew about it, that’s all!
And our worshipable deity was Lord Shankar! The main book among the scriptures was Ramcharitmanas. There is a festival in every house in which everyone used to sing Akhand Ramcharitmanas. If there was a religious scripture in the villagers’ hearts, it was only Ramcharitmanas. If someone was a great scholar of Hindu literature, then Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam! There was nothing more than that!
Vrindavan wasn’t even in my heart. Only the mercy of Lord Shiva gave this adoration to me. Neither did I choose a guru, nor did I choose worship. I didn’t choose anyone! How will Vrindavan be? Only rumination happens. Mahadev just sent me here. Then, as soon as I reached Vrindavan, my attention was drawn to PriyaLal (Radha Krishna). I had never even visited the temple of Radhavallabh Ji and didn’t even know about it. I used to go only to see Banke Bihari Ji. Almighty supreme God dragged me here.
Banke Bihari Ji’s Mercy
The first time I saw Banke Bihari ji, the joy I got from the first vision cannot be explained. My heart leapt with joy. It was an amazing feeling. I spoke to Bihari ji from my heart; I said, I am a Sanyasi. Kindly give me some Prasad (sanctified food). I was saying this to Bihari Ji in my heart. Someone from behind touched my shoulder; I looked back and saw it was Goswami Ji (Worshipper of Banke Bihari Ji). Goswami Ji garlanded me and gave me a big bowl of Prasad. Where have you come from? He asked. I have come from Kashi, I replied. He said I will give you Prasad daily. I asked Bihari Ji for Prasad, and he instantly fulfilled my desire. How awesome is that?
First Encounter with Radha Vallabh Ji
After this incident, I felt I should do some service (seva) to Thakur Banke Bihari Ji. On the way, there were Tulsi plants towards the Pani Ghat. From there, I plucked Tulsi’s leaves and brought them to Bihari Ji.
While doing Darshan Bihari Ji one day, a Brijwasi standing nearby asked me, have you ever visited Radhavallabh Temple? I said I didn’t know about it. “Come with me”, he said. I looked at Bihari Ji; I thought it was His leela (merciful pastime). So I went with him. After leaving me on the stairs of Radhavallabh Lal Ji, he said from here, you go by yourself; I’m going home. The moment I saw Radhavallabh Ji for the first time, it felt so familiar. I had never been to Radhavallabh temple, nor did I have any connection with any Goswami of the Radhavallabhi sect. I didn’t know anyone. It didn’t make any sense.
Transformation From A Sanyasi To A Radhavallabhi Saint
I used to go for Vrindavan Parikrama daily. While performing the Parikrama one morning, I was mesmerized to hear a sakhi (a female) singing a pada (holy verse). The words were:
śrī priyā vadan chabi chandra mano, prītam nain chakor
– Śrī Dhruvdās Ji, Bayālīs Līlā, Yugal Dhyān
prem sudhā ras mādhurī, pāan karat nishi bhor
It seemed as if the words of that verse were going deeper and deeper inside me. I started walking towards her, paid obeisance to her, and asked where I could find this holy book. Can you bring this book for me? As I didn’t have money. She looked at me from top to bottom and said, “Baba, I can, but it will be of no use to you”. I had Saffron clothes, long dreadlocks, and Tripund tilak. She smiled and said, “Baba, if you want to understand this verse, first become Radhavallabhi; otherwise, you will not understand the meaning of this divine love in this Sanyasi guise”.
I immediately asked her, “Sakhi, how does one become Radhavallabhi? She said, “Do you know anyone in the temple?”. I immediately replied to her excitedly and said that I only knew Radhavallabh Ji. She said that a Gosvami used to sit near Radhavallabh ji in the temple; go and meet him, and he will make you Radhavallabhi.
One day, In the temple, Pujya Mohit Maral Ji Goswami was singing a sholka from Shri Radha Sudha Nidhi Stotram written by Anant Shri Vibhushit, Vanshi Avtar, Prem Swaroop Shri Hit Harivansh Mahaprabhu. I tried to understand but could not. I asked revered Goswami ji to explain the meaning of it. Seeing my appearance as a Sannyasi, he smiled at me and said, ‘Baba, you start chanting “Harivansh Harivansh”. I could not put all my faith in his words then and returned from the temple. The next day, when I started Parikrama early in the morning, I could hear the buzzing of “Harivansh Harivansh” in my mind without any effort. Soon, it intensified till I reached Yugal Ghat, and the lovely portrayal of Harivansh Mahaprabhu was all over my mind. I got submerged in an unknown bliss with the causeless mercy of Harivansh Mahaprabhu. As soon as I completed my parikrama, I ran to the temple and requested Pujya Mohit Maral Ji Goswami with folded hands to give initiation (Mantra Diksha). He asked if you have Kanthi Mala. I nodded sideways and said I have only Radhavallabh Ji. Seeing my condition, revered Goswami Ji brought a Kanthi mala and tied it around my neck. He tied me to Radhavallabh Ji that day and gave me Sharanagati Mantra Diksha. Thus, I surrendered at the Lotus feet of Shriji (Shri Radha).
The Divine Arrangement
One day, revered Gurudev Goswami ji was doing shringar seva in the temple of Harivansh Mahaprabhu ji. I was also present there. He said to me, O Baba, listen! In our sect, there is a great saint immersed in Ras (Pastimes of Radha Krishna). He took the name of respected Maharaj Ji (Pujya Gaurangi Sharan Ji Maharaj, also known as Bade Maharaj Ji) and asked me to visit him sometime. I said, Maharaj ji, I don’t know him. He said that he (Pujya Bade Maharaj Ji) lives in front of Madan Ter in Ladli Kunj on the Parikrama Marg.
Balram Brijwasi (one of Maharaj Ji’s old acquaintances) also told me multiple times about a saint standing with a stick under his chin. The love he had for Radhavallabh ji in his eyes was prodigious. Balram said, Baba, you must meet him once. I asked him, ‘Where does he live? Balram said, in Ladli Kunj! I finally understood it as a sign and decided to meet him.
First Meeting With Sadgurudev
One day, I went and banged on the door. After waiting a long time, the door opened, and Maharaj came out. His face was dark red ( his face was radiant), and his nose was running. Tears were flowing profusely. Every pore of my being was thrilled. As soon as I saw him, I felt I had reached my final destination. I paid obeisances at his lotus feet.
After seeing my sanyasi disguise, Maharaj Ji took two steps back. He instantly asked me, how did you get here? I replied gently, “I want to talk to you”. He said no, I don’t have time to talk. With folded hands, he told me to please go back, and he started closing the door. Immediately, I said to him, “Stop! Maharaj Ji, I have taken the initiation in the sect of Radhavallabh ji. I’m Radhvallabhi now.
He looked at me with surprised eyes. I had Sanyasi guise, long dreadlocks, and Radhavallabhi tilak on the forehead. He said with humbleness, well then, can you come tomorrow? At that time, I should have left from there, but I insisted on staying back. We both went inside, and Sadgurudev offered me his asana (seat) to sit because I was in a saint’s guise.
From Confusion to Clarity: Surrender In the Arms of Grace
There were such spiritual atoms in his room that I felt like crying. I folded my hands and said Maharaj ji, please save me! He looked at me with compassionate eyes and said gently, what?
I told him that I had left the path of Sanyasa. What are the ways of worship in the Radha-Vallabhi sect? I told him I used to do parikrama but was told parikrama is not the prime source of worship in our sect. When I kept a fast, they said we do not keep fasts in our sect. I cannot understand anything. What am I supposed to do, Maharaj Ji?
He looked at me with loving eyes, held three fingers of my hand in his hand, and began to caress my hand. He said, “Everything will be alright. Everything will be okay”. So much love, how can I tell you? It was his first affection. As if I was hooked!! Caught the spirit! Captured the soul!
Now tell me, where am I in all this? How did I leave the path of renunciation and become a Radhavallabhi? It was all planned by the Lord. I wasn’t there! Only mercy brought me to the feet of the Ladliju (Shri Radha), our beloved one. I neither read any literature of this sect before the shelter of Maharaj Ji nor did any Satsang. Only the grace and mercy of the Shyama Shyam (Radha Krishna) brought me to the feet of my Sadgurudev Bhagavan.
This remembrance of the first meeting of Shri Hit Premanand Ji Maharaj with his Sadgurudev (popularly known as Bade Maharaj Ji) is presented above in original form as narrated by him. All the emotions are kept intact so the blog readers can delve into the depths of the guru-disciple relationship.
The second part of the story continues in Final Destination; check it out!
